Colby's Story, Introduction, and Setting the Stage

My Story

Here’s my story and where I am at today with my views on God, religion, and spirituality.  I grew up in (for the most part) an LDS home. For my first eight years of life, that I don’t remember very much of, I lived in parts of Salt Lake City and the surrounding area.  During these years, I recall moving a lot, changing schools and not very much stability or consistency.  My mom and I were not practicing Mormonism at the time but I recall going to church with my Grandma and Grandpa Hassard at times.  Eventually, we moved and stayed in Cedar Hills, Utah (Utah County) when I was eight years old.  It was then when The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints became a part of my life. I don’t recall having a lot of say in the matter, whether I would be baptized or not. I figure, it probably made the most sense to me. I chose to engage in church activities, beliefs, and practices because, well, probably for the most part because it was asked of me, not because I really wanted to.  I soon learned in school that the popular kids didn’t do a whole lot of church-related things.  A new kid moved into the neighborhood and he was very “cool”.  I remember wanting to fit in and be his friend.  

Well soon enough I started spending some time with this boy, I don’t think I was quite his friend, but we hung out at times.  Eventually, he offered me marijuana and I used it and liked it a lot.  It was at first my way of fitting in and became my way of escaping from life and the stress and suffering that it brought.  That suffering may have been family conflict, a pressure to do church things, and just the usual Junior High phase of trying to find oneself. I became a very heavy pot abuser and was probably even an addict to it.  

Long story, short, I used pot so much that it got in the way of a lot of things, family, school, church, the law.  I eventually got caught with drugs on two occasions and was required (more or less) to do drug court, was put under house arrest for a few weeks and received a juvenile record. A lot of the way I word this now is my way of thinking about it now, not then.  At the time I think there was an element of the drug use and other rebellion and crime that felt good to do something I got to decide.  It may have been in spite of the church or those telling me to participate in the church. At 16 years old I hit a tipping point.  I did a six or so month Out-Patient Substance Abuse program where I met a life mentor of mine, Blu Robinson.  He was my counselor at 16 years old and if you know Blu, his conviction about life, I recall being contagious and I wanted that.  He was also the one to inspire to reach out and find/meet my father for the first time, which I later did at age 18.  It was Blu who inspired me to go into the helping profession and quick fast forward, I am now about to graduate with my Masters in Social Work and am an acting Full-Time Therapist at a Substance Abuse Facility.

I got ready for and served a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (2006-2008).  My mission was 20 months, instead of 24 months.  I want to launch this blog sooner than later so I think I will save some details of that story for a later time. Long story short, I came home from my mission, was diagnosed with mental health problems, went out and used hard drugs (cocaine, crack, heroin, and others), was homeless for a month or so, went to jail twice and eventually after a few months of this dropped it all and moved back “home”.  Home for me was with my Grandma and Grandpa Hassard.  I started going to a LDS singles ward, met Alicia, my wife and began hanging out.  I wouldn’t call it dating and I know she sure wouldn’t because I didn’t even have money to spend on her due to my struggles that year (2008).  We were together off and on for a full year and got married August of 2009.  We have three kids, Jemie is five (Oct. 2012), Willa passed away at birth (June, 2015), and Desmond (January 2017).

Where I stand with the LDS church now.  I love the Lord, I love the gospel, faith, hope, charity, service, repentance (making positive changes and admitting when you're wrong), I definitely struggle with the unrighteous, hurtful judgement that comes across from many members, I struggle with a variety of things that come from the people, not anything that I feel comes from God and Christ.  My intention is to create a space for people to share their thoughts and to connect with people that can benefit from my story and my knowledge and wisdom.  I love the Buddhist principles also and I continue to study them and especially the mindful and meditation aspects. I hope to create more love, tolerance, acceptance, and kindness, in this world. I also love other Christians and believers of spiritual things that add such light and truth to humanity.

I'll end with some of my favorite quotes lately:

-"What you resist, persist" (Purpose; never stop growing and putting yourself in uncomfortable positions that allow you to excel).

-"Pain is inevitable and suffering is optional"

-”Be believing. Be happy. Don’t get discouraged. Things will work out.” -Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley

-"Dream no small dreams, for they have no magic to stir men's souls”.

** Meaning of the Blog title: Metta is a Buddhist term and it means: "benevolence, loving-kindness, friendliness, amity, good-will, and active interest in others".  I vough and aim to implement these qualities more so in my life, my family, my religion, my friends and my surrounding. I included Balance and Mormon because I am Mormon and I strive for Balance with some hope that that balance will spread across the culture.