Raw as Hell

Raw Thoughts and Words Regarding My Faith Adjustment

This Raw

This week and today, my thoughts and shifting beliefs have reached some resolve.  I will be vulnerable and at the same time try to speak plainly. I can choose to see the good or I can choose to see the bad or I can choose to see things as they really are; both good and bad or neither.  For a moment, give or take, I thought I could apply this new, enlightening principle (I just described) I discovered throughout my recent life towards the tribe that I was raised in. In all reality, it’s all I’ve been exposed to or exposed myself to up until relatively recently throughout my 31 years thus far.  It’s crucial I take this into consideration before I make decisions.

For reasons of hurt, confusion, neglect, innocence, tendencies to blame and be the victim, courage, bravery, purpose and/or ignorance (Yeah!, you like that diverse list? Me too), I have recently become bitter and resentful towards the LDS church and more so the people within it.  It felt right at the time and in some small ways still does, as odd as that feels to say/type. But I know it doesn’t work for me right now. Because of some particular, crucial, meaningful things that have happened lately, I vow to take a step back, to chose to see the good and to be the good, as best as I know how.  Right now, I feel that getting bitter doesn’t help me get better. With my new, healthier (than previously) views on life, religion, societies, culture, connections, and the universe, I can conquer. I can be courageous and raw, real and vulnerable. This is the only way for me right now, at least for today. Today is powerful. Every day is powerful. I will also embrace that this perspective, even though it may not make full sense through these words, in my mind it is powerful, constant and spot on for me.  

I acknowledge this perspective I have, could, would and should change (to some degree) because with change and shifts, comes growth and adventure.

I am going through some changes, some difficulty to some degree, but for the most part I feel as though I am a soldier in the middle of a person to person combat and I can recognize the commotion around me but it’s all happening slowly and I am calm, collected, aware, and in control of how I chose to respond to my external environment. Some of this commotion, I created and some of it I did not.  I chose to recognize what part I have in it and change and control and effect as much as I need to, that part.

I am inspired by those around me, that love me, that care for me enough to hear me. To listen. To not fix. To not control me. But just be there.  Some are close and some are distant. The close ones may know, but those distance ones likely do not. They both play a part and they have spoken and I have chosen to reach out and listen to them or ask them to create a safe place for me and it’s working.  

This doesn’t mean I’m going back.  A good, longtime friend, who is in a similar spot with me in my paradigm shift, said it that way, “I won’t go back”. Short and sweet.  I agree in most ways. I almost certain that I won’t go back, back to judging others without knowing it. Pretending like I knew so much when I really just had a strong determination to know.  Now I hope. Now I believe. Now I feel. And now I think. I will not let the weapons of whoever or whatever of guilt and shame destroy my love for myself and how I view myself and where I am headed.  I am headed to greatness and at the same time am in a great, purposeful spot. I will not be misled to think that only truth can come from one particular belief system or group. I am surrounded by truth by a wide range of people and I love you all.  There is love all around and I chose to embrace it and I chose to give it and learn to give it more powerfully and freely.

This is what I have for now.  I will end with a powerful principle that I chose to embrace each day, well just about, I’m sure I miss a day here and there.  

---LIFE DOESN’T GET EASIER, YOU GET STRONGER---

This principle has changed how I view the world, my neighbor, my family, my God and myself.  I love it and I love you.

God be with you and Namaste.