The Phenomena of Shame

Shame is a diverse, possibly abstract, commonly used word now-a-days and is having a bit of a buzz effect, making it a “buzzword”. My experience has been, from others, including myself, that we throw it around out of its proper context. What does it really mean? When some use it context, is goes something like, “I am feeling ashamed” or “You make me feel shame”, and lastly, a common one that I struggle with (and I’ve even begun to use it this way) is, “That was shaming” or “He/She shamed me”.  I’ll come back to this more. First, I would like to talk about my experience with the word and concept of shame.

Probably the first time I recognize feeling shameful feelings was when I was very young, and it happened multiple times at different stages of my childhood.  It was when I was around my peers and I recognized them as better than me (can think about this situation, this way, now, but not then). I saw something brighter, and better in them, compared to myself.  I remember feeling like it was a game almost and that in order to win, I had to become like them, or at least close to like them. I firmly believe that for the majority of my 31 years I have lived this way. Examples of this comparison “game” are:  Appearance, my weight, my style, my lack of muscles, my partner, my things (car, house, technology, etc.), my education, my work, my just about everything, I’d even through in here, my level of testimony of my religion or understanding or certainty of Church things.  Maybe you’re thinking what does this have to do with shame? I think in many ways, this comparison issue is the cause of feeling and believing we are not enough. Not good enough, not able to give or receive enough love.

A common word that comes along with shame is guilt.  I’ve read and heard many times these helpful definitions of guilt and shame:  Guilt is thinking or believing, “I did something wrong or bad”, shame is thinking or believing “I am bad or wrong”.  In a deeper more difficult sense, it has to be a belief in order for it to be shame. Thoughts come and go, beliefs about ourselves stick with us for as long as we allow them to.  

Why did and does not feeling accepted, included or loved create shame? Note, this feeling can become our choice, once we become aware of the feeling.  When an outside stimulus impacts you for the first time, perhaps it’s chance or luck, when it happens twice or repeatedly, and a feeling is associated with the experience, the mind and heart thinks it must be real and you begin to believe it.  When it comes to shame, it’s the negative perceptive experiences and feelings that matter the most. Because I did not and sometimes still don’t feel like I fit in, in many facets, not just socially amongst peers, I began/begin to believe that there was/is something wrong with me. I believe at a fairly early age, late childhood to early adolescence, I began to think I was first, doing something wrong and somewhere down my path, began to second, belief there was something wrong with me inside.  We don’t think about it consciously when it’s happening, it just happens because we don’t know better. Many times we were not taught any differently. It takes challenges, hurt, pain, chaos, and most importantly, awareness to realize this two-step process is happening. Once we realize it, we don’t have to feel shame or any negative feeling for too long.

So back to the beginning point.  How can we view the term shame in a more proper, accurate way?  My answer is we look at ourselves. We can begin to make the choice, that people or circumstances don’t have to cause us to feel anything.  We can choose to view these individuals or even groups of people, are or were doing the best they know how to. Wouldn’t they be showing you love, kindness, compassion if they knew how to?  In some senses, I believe these people that bring up hard feelings are showing you their version of love, kindness, and compassion. I believe as humans, or even past us, all mammals, plants, the earth, everything is inherently good and inherently capable of giving and receiving love.

I am convinced that feeling shame if it’s feeling at all,  is more of a defense then anything. Maybe shame is a title that our society has come up with when it comes to avoiding the work that it takes to enter into or back into our self-love journey.  I’m still up in the air about this but I know that we can get to the point that when we feel shame or any type of hurt based off of an external stimulus, it doesn’t mean it’s that stimulus’s fault.  It doesn’t mean that stimulus, especially if that stimulus is a person or group, does not have something to improve or look at. But it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s our duty or job to inform this person or group.  I’ll admit sometimes I struggle with this and I don’t practice this principle but I think and hope I am on the right path to be more accountable for my own actions and not pretend I have jurisdiction for someone else's actions.

I want to begin ending my posts with a declaration to myself, to you, to the world, of love.  For me, connection, love, vulnerability, and empathy are the solutions we need on a micro (small/personal) and a macro (large/vast) scale.  May we all move into this direction is my intent.

Choose your favorite or two =) :  

Farewell, Godspeed, Assalamualaikum

Namaste, Tons of Love

P.S.

Strongly suggest these two books that I indirectly reference towards the end of th post. The first has meant a lot to me for about two years now and the second is a more recent read/listen which is excellent.

Indirect References

The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz

A Return to Love, Marianne Williamson