My Faith Lately and a Lovely Grateful Sandwich

I’d like to start off with some statements of gratitude.  I’m so grateful for my life. Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes it sucks for lack of a “better” term.  That word suck has been in practice for so long, why not keep it going!? I’m so grateful for imperfection.  I’m grateful for the imperfections, hidden or disclosed of everyone that’s ever been important to me. These imperfections allow me to have perspective and to grow and to see more clearly. I’m grateful for the majorities and I’m even more grateful for the minorities. I’ll also end with more gratitudes.

Just got done with an early morning gym trip, listening to a great faith builder and spiritual leader, about halfway through his book.  Definitely, one that many, possibly most, would not think as a faith builder. He talks about how doubt, and deconstructing the concept of certainty can help us in our journey for purpose and spiritual progression if you will.  This man is outside of the Mormon church. Many speak of such things inside Mormondom, yet hearing it from him helps me in a deeper sense. For a long time, I thought the cultural and the people problems within the LDS church was special to Utah or to the Church.  I was wrong. These intricacies are not unique to us and they are unlikely unique to the U.S. or to Western culture. This aspect is very powerful and special to me. In a beautiful sense, it means the whole world has a lot in common and so much to be grateful for and yet so much to work on.  A beautiful paradox indeed.

The last eight months have been what many would call the beginning or even middle of my “faith crisis” for me.  There is a large community out there, and maybe a few that will read this that know what this means, intimately. I sense that many are out there and most that will read this, do not understand what this means in general or maybe I should say, yet.  I feel and I make a fairly educated guess that there is a vast array of folks that know me and that do not, once they read or hear the term “faith crisis”, they lack an understanding of what that is. Today I will speak to both, but if I know my mind well enough, I’m guessing it’ll be more so for the latter group. The group that tends to lack an understanding that doubt, questions, and openness to outside of the LDS church, information on self-improvement, light, maybe even truth, I know you, I am you still, I was you and I love and appreciate you.

A question for ya, did you grow up in a society, culture and/or home where mainly one train of thought was taught?  I think I’m asking nicely (and here is it more directly), was it a fairly dogmatic climate for you? If you don’t know what that means here is the definition.  Dogmatic: characterized by or given to the expression of opinions very strongly or positively as if they were facts (Merriam Webster Dictionary, Online).  Maybe you have never thought of this. Maybe you don’t know how or if you can answer this. If this is you, I’d encourage you to think back.  When you were of that prime age of infancy or even eight years old or teen years when you had reached those prime checkpoint years of obtaining some role, calling, ordination or any responsibility; were you given a choice?  I mean, a real choice. Were options presented to you as to what you could believe and where you could go to obtain an understanding of deity, theology, the universe of energy, or of spiritual belief and thought? If you’ve answered an honest “yes” to this, maybe this post is not for you.  If you’ve answer maybe, possibly or an adamant “NO”, then I am going to infer for you that this is definitely for you. And I’ll even go out on a limb and say, even if you think, it’s a “yes”, it might even be a “no”, because you even though deep enough about it. I have an awareness about myself, that right now, I know I am being a bias, but aren’t we all fairly bias, to some degree?  Maybe not, I know I have a long ways to go still in my journey, in my faith, and in my thought.

As I have an amazing six-year-old girl, I am learning first hand that the young mind is curious, creative and so willing and wanting to branch out in many facets.  Much of the time, I think we limit little ones at this age with what, I, we and/or you think is best for them. On a similar but different level I think this is done with religion in the world and in my situation I think it was done for me for a while and those that were the strongest influencers on me, I know they were only doing what they knew to be best for themselves and for me. Turns out these days that is not the best route for me and frankly I don’t think it’s the most ideal route for anyone.  To summarize this thought and tying back to an earlier comment; any place with dogma and a biased agenda, there can develop ignorance, extreme judgment, lacking tolerance, love, and understanding.

First and foremost, especially because I’m certain ones in my life that I truly love that my struggle to understand my path and perspective lately; I want to say to you, I love you and I know your heart is in the right place. I think all of our hearts are in the right place.  There is goodness in all of us. I’d go as far to say that most, if not all are born good and die good. It’s just in the middle of all that, that goodness gets confuzzled, construed, lost, or taken away. It’s up to us, me, you, everyone just about, to bring emphasis to this goodness that we all have in us.  

If you want to know where I stand in or with the Mormon church, if you don’t know me well enough or can’t put it together, call me, write me, stop me in the grocery store and let's talk.  We grow when we connect and share our stories. I believe this wholeheartedly. I hope I don’t come across as too mysterious to the point of appearing or being egotistic or prideful. I just don’t think it’s my job to tell you exactly what I believe and not even because it’s private but because when we do that it leaves too many chances for the observer to follow or the other route, completely deny the information. Let’s grow and search and discover together in this beautiful, yet complicated difficult life.

To end with more gratitude and even some love, because love and gratitude have the greatest potential for good, in my opinion.  If you don’t already know this about me, I love, love, love and am so grateful for nature and the cold these days. My journey has landed on an amazing practice called the Wim Hof Method and it’s dynamic, and broad, and open and individual on many levels and even connecting to others and highly collective and is probably my biggest constant right now.  I love and am grateful for my wife, and my three children, they undoubtedly have made me who I am today, at least in the most important ways, as a now third of my life has been with them. Very grateful for my mom, wow is a rockstar, my grandfather Hassard that is passing away right now, my amazing brother Jonathan and all of my family that I was or am close to. So grateful for diversity, for challenges, for people, for connection and for so many difficult issues in our society that need attention and improvement that I feel drawn to be a part of to help, to bring people together with love and intimacy.

Raw as Hell

Raw Thoughts and Words Regarding My Faith Adjustment

This Raw

This week and today, my thoughts and shifting beliefs have reached some resolve.  I will be vulnerable and at the same time try to speak plainly. I can choose to see the good or I can choose to see the bad or I can choose to see things as they really are; both good and bad or neither.  For a moment, give or take, I thought I could apply this new, enlightening principle (I just described) I discovered throughout my recent life towards the tribe that I was raised in. In all reality, it’s all I’ve been exposed to or exposed myself to up until relatively recently throughout my 31 years thus far.  It’s crucial I take this into consideration before I make decisions.

For reasons of hurt, confusion, neglect, innocence, tendencies to blame and be the victim, courage, bravery, purpose and/or ignorance (Yeah!, you like that diverse list? Me too), I have recently become bitter and resentful towards the LDS church and more so the people within it.  It felt right at the time and in some small ways still does, as odd as that feels to say/type. But I know it doesn’t work for me right now. Because of some particular, crucial, meaningful things that have happened lately, I vow to take a step back, to chose to see the good and to be the good, as best as I know how.  Right now, I feel that getting bitter doesn’t help me get better. With my new, healthier (than previously) views on life, religion, societies, culture, connections, and the universe, I can conquer. I can be courageous and raw, real and vulnerable. This is the only way for me right now, at least for today. Today is powerful. Every day is powerful. I will also embrace that this perspective, even though it may not make full sense through these words, in my mind it is powerful, constant and spot on for me.  

I acknowledge this perspective I have, could, would and should change (to some degree) because with change and shifts, comes growth and adventure.

I am going through some changes, some difficulty to some degree, but for the most part I feel as though I am a soldier in the middle of a person to person combat and I can recognize the commotion around me but it’s all happening slowly and I am calm, collected, aware, and in control of how I chose to respond to my external environment. Some of this commotion, I created and some of it I did not.  I chose to recognize what part I have in it and change and control and effect as much as I need to, that part.

I am inspired by those around me, that love me, that care for me enough to hear me. To listen. To not fix. To not control me. But just be there.  Some are close and some are distant. The close ones may know, but those distance ones likely do not. They both play a part and they have spoken and I have chosen to reach out and listen to them or ask them to create a safe place for me and it’s working.  

This doesn’t mean I’m going back.  A good, longtime friend, who is in a similar spot with me in my paradigm shift, said it that way, “I won’t go back”. Short and sweet.  I agree in most ways. I almost certain that I won’t go back, back to judging others without knowing it. Pretending like I knew so much when I really just had a strong determination to know.  Now I hope. Now I believe. Now I feel. And now I think. I will not let the weapons of whoever or whatever of guilt and shame destroy my love for myself and how I view myself and where I am headed.  I am headed to greatness and at the same time am in a great, purposeful spot. I will not be misled to think that only truth can come from one particular belief system or group. I am surrounded by truth by a wide range of people and I love you all.  There is love all around and I chose to embrace it and I chose to give it and learn to give it more powerfully and freely.

This is what I have for now.  I will end with a powerful principle that I chose to embrace each day, well just about, I’m sure I miss a day here and there.  

---LIFE DOESN’T GET EASIER, YOU GET STRONGER---

This principle has changed how I view the world, my neighbor, my family, my God and myself.  I love it and I love you.

God be with you and Namaste.

The Phenomena of Shame

Shame is a diverse, possibly abstract, commonly used word now-a-days and is having a bit of a buzz effect, making it a “buzzword”. My experience has been, from others, including myself, that we throw it around out of its proper context. What does it really mean? When some use it context, is goes something like, “I am feeling ashamed” or “You make me feel shame”, and lastly, a common one that I struggle with (and I’ve even begun to use it this way) is, “That was shaming” or “He/She shamed me”.  I’ll come back to this more. First, I would like to talk about my experience with the word and concept of shame.

Probably the first time I recognize feeling shameful feelings was when I was very young, and it happened multiple times at different stages of my childhood.  It was when I was around my peers and I recognized them as better than me (can think about this situation, this way, now, but not then). I saw something brighter, and better in them, compared to myself.  I remember feeling like it was a game almost and that in order to win, I had to become like them, or at least close to like them. I firmly believe that for the majority of my 31 years I have lived this way. Examples of this comparison “game” are:  Appearance, my weight, my style, my lack of muscles, my partner, my things (car, house, technology, etc.), my education, my work, my just about everything, I’d even through in here, my level of testimony of my religion or understanding or certainty of Church things.  Maybe you’re thinking what does this have to do with shame? I think in many ways, this comparison issue is the cause of feeling and believing we are not enough. Not good enough, not able to give or receive enough love.

A common word that comes along with shame is guilt.  I’ve read and heard many times these helpful definitions of guilt and shame:  Guilt is thinking or believing, “I did something wrong or bad”, shame is thinking or believing “I am bad or wrong”.  In a deeper more difficult sense, it has to be a belief in order for it to be shame. Thoughts come and go, beliefs about ourselves stick with us for as long as we allow them to.  

Why did and does not feeling accepted, included or loved create shame? Note, this feeling can become our choice, once we become aware of the feeling.  When an outside stimulus impacts you for the first time, perhaps it’s chance or luck, when it happens twice or repeatedly, and a feeling is associated with the experience, the mind and heart thinks it must be real and you begin to believe it.  When it comes to shame, it’s the negative perceptive experiences and feelings that matter the most. Because I did not and sometimes still don’t feel like I fit in, in many facets, not just socially amongst peers, I began/begin to believe that there was/is something wrong with me. I believe at a fairly early age, late childhood to early adolescence, I began to think I was first, doing something wrong and somewhere down my path, began to second, belief there was something wrong with me inside.  We don’t think about it consciously when it’s happening, it just happens because we don’t know better. Many times we were not taught any differently. It takes challenges, hurt, pain, chaos, and most importantly, awareness to realize this two-step process is happening. Once we realize it, we don’t have to feel shame or any negative feeling for too long.

So back to the beginning point.  How can we view the term shame in a more proper, accurate way?  My answer is we look at ourselves. We can begin to make the choice, that people or circumstances don’t have to cause us to feel anything.  We can choose to view these individuals or even groups of people, are or were doing the best they know how to. Wouldn’t they be showing you love, kindness, compassion if they knew how to?  In some senses, I believe these people that bring up hard feelings are showing you their version of love, kindness, and compassion. I believe as humans, or even past us, all mammals, plants, the earth, everything is inherently good and inherently capable of giving and receiving love.

I am convinced that feeling shame if it’s feeling at all,  is more of a defense then anything. Maybe shame is a title that our society has come up with when it comes to avoiding the work that it takes to enter into or back into our self-love journey.  I’m still up in the air about this but I know that we can get to the point that when we feel shame or any type of hurt based off of an external stimulus, it doesn’t mean it’s that stimulus’s fault.  It doesn’t mean that stimulus, especially if that stimulus is a person or group, does not have something to improve or look at. But it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s our duty or job to inform this person or group.  I’ll admit sometimes I struggle with this and I don’t practice this principle but I think and hope I am on the right path to be more accountable for my own actions and not pretend I have jurisdiction for someone else's actions.

I want to begin ending my posts with a declaration to myself, to you, to the world, of love.  For me, connection, love, vulnerability, and empathy are the solutions we need on a micro (small/personal) and a macro (large/vast) scale.  May we all move into this direction is my intent.

Choose your favorite or two =) :  

Farewell, Godspeed, Assalamualaikum

Namaste, Tons of Love

P.S.

Strongly suggest these two books that I indirectly reference towards the end of th post. The first has meant a lot to me for about two years now and the second is a more recent read/listen which is excellent.

Indirect References

The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz

A Return to Love, Marianne Williamson

How Much Value is Your ‘Two Cents’ worth?

I pose this question, using “two cents” as the figure of speech, meaning your opinion.  Let me answer this, it’s not a simple answer, and it’s definitely not two cents.  I feel strongly your, two cents, might be worth two cents to a common or average person (perhaps someone who is very indifferent and doesn’t care), and to someone else beyond that, it may be worth 1 million dollars and to another, it could be negative worth.  The latter possibility is a more difficult answer to digest … I mean that your ‘two cents’ could be taking away and not adding or giving.  This is the concerning part to me.  This is the part that has been on my mind a lot.

What’s the difference between encouragement to someone, giving loving guidance and direction when it’s asked for or when it’s appropriate compared to intentionally/or unintentionally stirring the pot to cause unnecessary conflict by providing your opinion?  I think there is a large difference and this goes as far as a conversation with a friend or acquaintance, social media, church, classmates, colleagues, etc.  If the common goal is to build upwards, help with the cause, make constructive changes and I sure hope that’s the goal, what causes us to want to sway others to think more how we think, feel more how we feel and believe more how we believe?  I include myself in this, very intentionally because I battle this too.  

I would call myself opinionated; some, in a nicer way call it passion. I'm having an interesting, difficult, sometimes enjoyable time taming this opinion. Why should it be tamed? Why should your opinion or passion be tamed? I’m not sure if me or anyone else I can identify, can answer that for you.  I’ll answer the question for myself.  I know that if I don’t think twice, or sometimes many more, prior to speaking I say or do things that end up hurting people. In some ways the times where people that tell me I hurt them, are manageable and possible.  On the other hand, the times where others don’t tell me I’ve hurt them, I’m left to wonder. I get that people want to be nice, but it’s often difficult for me when I have this gut feeling I’ve done something or are continuing to do something and the person affected doesn’t say something to me.  This situation is tougher for me, because again, I’m left to wonder.  Well lookie here, that got pretty personal.  I wasn’t expecting that.

I think a key component with sharing your thoughts, opinions, personal truths, etc., there should probably be some type of relationship, with a moderate amount of trust before you go off on someone on abortion, gay marriage, religion, politics, the death penalty, faith crisis, legalizing marijuana, any topic that has potential for difficult emotions to be stirred up.  Now, just to remind or inform you, all of this, this what you just read, is my opinion and if we don’t have a good relationship yet, well then, there ya go; there’s a pretty interesting paradox.

I’ll end on what I think part of the solution to this may be; connection.  If we can connect more with those around us, in our lives, the trust and a foundation will grow.  And if this occurs then, you can speak your mind, your truth or anything else because the two parties have an invested interest in one another.   ADDITION: I am going back and adding to this. Wanted to site one of my mentors that has helped me connect and learn the principle of connection. It's a topic with so much depth and meaning. Here is a link that will take you to another blog on Brene Brown.

Colby's Story, Introduction, and Setting the Stage

My Story

Here’s my story and where I am at today with my views on God, religion, and spirituality.  I grew up in (for the most part) an LDS home. For my first eight years of life, that I don’t remember very much of, I lived in parts of Salt Lake City and the surrounding area.  During these years, I recall moving a lot, changing schools and not very much stability or consistency.  My mom and I were not practicing Mormonism at the time but I recall going to church with my Grandma and Grandpa Hassard at times.  Eventually, we moved and stayed in Cedar Hills, Utah (Utah County) when I was eight years old.  It was then when The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints became a part of my life. I don’t recall having a lot of say in the matter, whether I would be baptized or not. I figure, it probably made the most sense to me. I chose to engage in church activities, beliefs, and practices because, well, probably for the most part because it was asked of me, not because I really wanted to.  I soon learned in school that the popular kids didn’t do a whole lot of church-related things.  A new kid moved into the neighborhood and he was very “cool”.  I remember wanting to fit in and be his friend.  

Well soon enough I started spending some time with this boy, I don’t think I was quite his friend, but we hung out at times.  Eventually, he offered me marijuana and I used it and liked it a lot.  It was at first my way of fitting in and became my way of escaping from life and the stress and suffering that it brought.  That suffering may have been family conflict, a pressure to do church things, and just the usual Junior High phase of trying to find oneself. I became a very heavy pot abuser and was probably even an addict to it.  

Long story, short, I used pot so much that it got in the way of a lot of things, family, school, church, the law.  I eventually got caught with drugs on two occasions and was required (more or less) to do drug court, was put under house arrest for a few weeks and received a juvenile record. A lot of the way I word this now is my way of thinking about it now, not then.  At the time I think there was an element of the drug use and other rebellion and crime that felt good to do something I got to decide.  It may have been in spite of the church or those telling me to participate in the church. At 16 years old I hit a tipping point.  I did a six or so month Out-Patient Substance Abuse program where I met a life mentor of mine, Blu Robinson.  He was my counselor at 16 years old and if you know Blu, his conviction about life, I recall being contagious and I wanted that.  He was also the one to inspire to reach out and find/meet my father for the first time, which I later did at age 18.  It was Blu who inspired me to go into the helping profession and quick fast forward, I am now about to graduate with my Masters in Social Work and am an acting Full-Time Therapist at a Substance Abuse Facility.

I got ready for and served a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (2006-2008).  My mission was 20 months, instead of 24 months.  I want to launch this blog sooner than later so I think I will save some details of that story for a later time. Long story short, I came home from my mission, was diagnosed with mental health problems, went out and used hard drugs (cocaine, crack, heroin, and others), was homeless for a month or so, went to jail twice and eventually after a few months of this dropped it all and moved back “home”.  Home for me was with my Grandma and Grandpa Hassard.  I started going to a LDS singles ward, met Alicia, my wife and began hanging out.  I wouldn’t call it dating and I know she sure wouldn’t because I didn’t even have money to spend on her due to my struggles that year (2008).  We were together off and on for a full year and got married August of 2009.  We have three kids, Jemie is five (Oct. 2012), Willa passed away at birth (June, 2015), and Desmond (January 2017).

Where I stand with the LDS church now.  I love the Lord, I love the gospel, faith, hope, charity, service, repentance (making positive changes and admitting when you're wrong), I definitely struggle with the unrighteous, hurtful judgement that comes across from many members, I struggle with a variety of things that come from the people, not anything that I feel comes from God and Christ.  My intention is to create a space for people to share their thoughts and to connect with people that can benefit from my story and my knowledge and wisdom.  I love the Buddhist principles also and I continue to study them and especially the mindful and meditation aspects. I hope to create more love, tolerance, acceptance, and kindness, in this world. I also love other Christians and believers of spiritual things that add such light and truth to humanity.

I'll end with some of my favorite quotes lately:

-"What you resist, persist" (Purpose; never stop growing and putting yourself in uncomfortable positions that allow you to excel).

-"Pain is inevitable and suffering is optional"

-”Be believing. Be happy. Don’t get discouraged. Things will work out.” -Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley

-"Dream no small dreams, for they have no magic to stir men's souls”.

** Meaning of the Blog title: Metta is a Buddhist term and it means: "benevolence, loving-kindness, friendliness, amity, good-will, and active interest in others".  I vough and aim to implement these qualities more so in my life, my family, my religion, my friends and my surrounding. I included Balance and Mormon because I am Mormon and I strive for Balance with some hope that that balance will spread across the culture.